Working as a Divorce Communications Coach, I am often asked if I have any advice for people entering the Collaborative process. While having the courage and willingness to enter into honest and respectful face-to-face negotiations with your soon-to-be ex-spouse is absolutely essential, here are eight other ways you can help your Collaborative Divorce.
1. Think of the process as creating a new start: During times of big changes and life transitions, such as the ones brought by divorce, people have an opportunity to really alter some behaviors and see things from new perspectives. Do you want to have similar communication issues in your next relationship? Do you want to continue the same dysfunctional patterns with your ex-spouse? If not, spend some time with your Divorce Communications Coach to learn new ways of problem solving, discussing difficult issues, and managing emotions. The additional skills will continue to help improve your relationships, as long as you practice them.
2. Be Honest: Yes, I also mentioned it above, but I believe it's so important to the process that I thought I should discuss it further. Nothing can ruin the collaborative process quite like dishonesty. While hiding assets tends to be a common area people think about when dishonesty is experienced, it can come in many forms, in an attempt to influence agreements. Clients who insist on being dishonest, will soon find themselves without a professional support team. Because it’s one of the core principals everyone agrees to, when they sign on to work collaboratively, professionals will resign from teams, with clients who lack integrity.
3. Do your homework: There is much to do at each meeting. When the client arrives unprepared, it can stall the process and needlessly drive up the costs. A good deal of the homework involves gathering financial records. To assist with this process, financial professionals will often supply a list of the all the documents necessary for the process. Other areas of homework may have to do with parenting plans, or gathering additional data.
4. Be Patient: While Collaborative Divorce can take time, it is generally quicker than traditional litigation. Collaborative Divorce is a process that involves many steps. All of your concerns will be dealt with, but not necessarily in the first meeting, or two.
With Collaborative Divorce there are multiple people’s schedules to consider, which can cause delays in the process. But once you have the team together, you can generally get a solid 1-2 hours work done, at a time. With traditional litigation, you get about 15 minutes on the court’s calendar, at a pace of several months apart, for each matter.
Another area where patience can be a factor is when one spouse is still grieving the relationship, while the other is anxious to move on with their life. We all move through this process at different speeds. Usually, one of the spouses has had some time to think about it and prepare, while it remains a fresh wound for the other. When this is the case, meetings can be more emotionally charged.
5. Use your team (that’s why we’re here!): A full Collaborative team is made up of six professionals. Five professionals are generally used when the couple has no children. The team consists of two attorneys (one for each party), two communications coaches, who are Licensed Mental Health Professionals (one for each party), one child specialist, and one financial expert
One of the best parts of the Collaborative process is its incorporation of multiple professionals, focusing on what they do best. While hiring multiple professionals may be considered by some, as overwhelming and cost prohibitive, when practiced correctly, it is often more efficient and cost effective. It is a much better use of your time and money to work with the communications coach, instead of your attorney, when dealing with emotional, or mental health issues. Financial experts make the often complex and confusing financial data, accessible, while also helping clients understand the tax implications of each decision. Aside from better use of your time and money, you will also receive more skilled and knowledgeable assistance when consulting the right professional for the right issue.
6. Seek understanding: Because you want to create the best agreement possible, it is very important to understand where your spouse is coming from and what they are really saying. The best approach involves quieting down and really listening to what is being said and then repeating back your understanding. Trying to see the issue through the eyes of your spouse, will increase the likelihood of creating a solution that works for everyone.
7. Be solution oriented: Collaborative Divorce isn’t about winners, or losers. It is about creating the best solution for all parties. The best solution involves taking everyone’s needs into account. When that happens, agreements are most likely to be durable and lasting.
8. Take Care of Yourself: I can’t say this enough, “Take care of yourself”. Divorce is one of the most emotionally stressful experiences people do. Stress and anxiety release chemicals in your bloodstream that are really useful when you are in real danger, but damaging for your mind and body when you cannot release it. Therefore, I cannot recommend enough that you find ways to take care of yourself during this time. Some great ways to care for yourself are: Exercise, get plenty of sleep, use your support system to vent (don’t use your kids), meditate, practice mindfulness, spend some time in the sunshine/nature, and eat healthy.
1. Think of the process as creating a new start: During times of big changes and life transitions, such as the ones brought by divorce, people have an opportunity to really alter some behaviors and see things from new perspectives. Do you want to have similar communication issues in your next relationship? Do you want to continue the same dysfunctional patterns with your ex-spouse? If not, spend some time with your Divorce Communications Coach to learn new ways of problem solving, discussing difficult issues, and managing emotions. The additional skills will continue to help improve your relationships, as long as you practice them.
2. Be Honest: Yes, I also mentioned it above, but I believe it's so important to the process that I thought I should discuss it further. Nothing can ruin the collaborative process quite like dishonesty. While hiding assets tends to be a common area people think about when dishonesty is experienced, it can come in many forms, in an attempt to influence agreements. Clients who insist on being dishonest, will soon find themselves without a professional support team. Because it’s one of the core principals everyone agrees to, when they sign on to work collaboratively, professionals will resign from teams, with clients who lack integrity.
3. Do your homework: There is much to do at each meeting. When the client arrives unprepared, it can stall the process and needlessly drive up the costs. A good deal of the homework involves gathering financial records. To assist with this process, financial professionals will often supply a list of the all the documents necessary for the process. Other areas of homework may have to do with parenting plans, or gathering additional data.
4. Be Patient: While Collaborative Divorce can take time, it is generally quicker than traditional litigation. Collaborative Divorce is a process that involves many steps. All of your concerns will be dealt with, but not necessarily in the first meeting, or two.
With Collaborative Divorce there are multiple people’s schedules to consider, which can cause delays in the process. But once you have the team together, you can generally get a solid 1-2 hours work done, at a time. With traditional litigation, you get about 15 minutes on the court’s calendar, at a pace of several months apart, for each matter.
Another area where patience can be a factor is when one spouse is still grieving the relationship, while the other is anxious to move on with their life. We all move through this process at different speeds. Usually, one of the spouses has had some time to think about it and prepare, while it remains a fresh wound for the other. When this is the case, meetings can be more emotionally charged.
5. Use your team (that’s why we’re here!): A full Collaborative team is made up of six professionals. Five professionals are generally used when the couple has no children. The team consists of two attorneys (one for each party), two communications coaches, who are Licensed Mental Health Professionals (one for each party), one child specialist, and one financial expert
One of the best parts of the Collaborative process is its incorporation of multiple professionals, focusing on what they do best. While hiring multiple professionals may be considered by some, as overwhelming and cost prohibitive, when practiced correctly, it is often more efficient and cost effective. It is a much better use of your time and money to work with the communications coach, instead of your attorney, when dealing with emotional, or mental health issues. Financial experts make the often complex and confusing financial data, accessible, while also helping clients understand the tax implications of each decision. Aside from better use of your time and money, you will also receive more skilled and knowledgeable assistance when consulting the right professional for the right issue.
6. Seek understanding: Because you want to create the best agreement possible, it is very important to understand where your spouse is coming from and what they are really saying. The best approach involves quieting down and really listening to what is being said and then repeating back your understanding. Trying to see the issue through the eyes of your spouse, will increase the likelihood of creating a solution that works for everyone.
7. Be solution oriented: Collaborative Divorce isn’t about winners, or losers. It is about creating the best solution for all parties. The best solution involves taking everyone’s needs into account. When that happens, agreements are most likely to be durable and lasting.
8. Take Care of Yourself: I can’t say this enough, “Take care of yourself”. Divorce is one of the most emotionally stressful experiences people do. Stress and anxiety release chemicals in your bloodstream that are really useful when you are in real danger, but damaging for your mind and body when you cannot release it. Therefore, I cannot recommend enough that you find ways to take care of yourself during this time. Some great ways to care for yourself are: Exercise, get plenty of sleep, use your support system to vent (don’t use your kids), meditate, practice mindfulness, spend some time in the sunshine/nature, and eat healthy.
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